Thunderstorms, some heavy during the morning hours, then skies turning partly cloudy during the afternoon. High around 85F. Winds SSE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 100%. 1 to 2 inches of rain expected..
Tonight
A few clouds. A stray shower or thunderstorm is possible. Low 68F. Winds SSE at 10 to 15 mph.
Q: Good afternoon Ned. I’m just curious about the upcoming elections and the coverage that the Mercury provides. It seems to lean pretty far left, and then when it’s pointed out, and only when it’s pointed out, corrections are made, or apologies are handed out. I’m wondering if we are going to see this this time around, or if the Mercury is going to do better about editing?
Also, I notice there has not been an article about John Matta running for city commissioner. Is The Mercury going to be giving him fair and equal coverage?
Please, this time around, can we have fair and balanced coverage of the elections?
A: Nope. Sorry. We plan to have unfair and unbalanced coverage. As you know, our goal is and has always been to warp minds so as to build a liberal empire, starting with the local school board and the City Commission.
We’re well on our way! Last I checked, the Democrats I think were up to about half of the voter registration totals of the Republicans, so, after 107 years of the kook fringe lefty Seaton family ownership, we’re well on our way! At this rate, by 2135, it’ll be a blue wave. Don’t stop thinkin’ about tomorrow!
Just ask our reporters. We make sure to screen out anybody with any sort of independent intelligence. Oh, and ask Megan Moser, and Bill Felber, since he’s still around town. I march into their office every day and ask one question, and one question only: What are you doing to brainwash potential voters today? My dad did the same thing, every day, for a half-century. I’ve heard tell that Fay Seaton administered shock therapy to his newsroom in the 20s and 30s, but that’s frowned upon now.
Oh, Matta? Nope, we won’t even mention him. In fact, I find it hard to believe I slipped up and allowed his name to be printed here. Dammit. Fire the copy editors!
As you also know, if you’ve been paying attention, this is brilliant business in a town of 50,000 people. We only want one-third of the population to subscribe, so we make sure we bend all information to suit their previously-held beliefs. Give ‘em what they want! I think Rupert Murdoch credits us with his business plan. I think that’s what he said in that deposition. Can’t quite remember.
What would we do with all the money if EVERYBODY could subscribe? This is a real issue in the newspaper business now. We have to make an accounting allowance for the cash eaten by mice, since we have so much that we have to stuff it into the ceiling and behind the drywall. Varney and Associates had to go down to Medellin to learn the techniques from Escobar’s descendants.
Apologies? Pfft. This is war!
Oh, right. I did apologize the other day for mischaracterizing Wynn Butler’s intent on the booze-tax switcheroo. Fair enough. Every now and then we have to actually print Commissioner Butler’s name just as a straw man to knock over. But that’s it! Never, never, never cover those Team Red guys otherwise. Go Big Blue!
