Here’s a tip of the cap to stepdads, from one of your own.
It’s Father’s Day weekend, and I should first salute all dads. You’re doing good, important work, Dad, and you should get credit for that. Dad, co-dad, adoptive dad, de-facto dad, whatever form you’ve taken on, I want you to know that you’re appreciated.
I’m just going to pay particular attention here to stepdads, since, well, since I want to. They generally don’t get a lot of credit.
I’ve been a stepdad for five years. Before that — and still to this day — I was a dad-figure to my nephew, who I was lucky enough to help raise. Long story, complicated life. Mine is a 21st-century parenting odyssey. As I’ve said before, I’m the lucky one.
What I know is that step-dadding doesn’t always come naturally. I certainly didn’t grow up with a role model of how to be one. My own father was (and is) a great dad, and I follow his example every day of my life, in a million ways. The fact that I went to work for him and with him probably tells you all you need to know — imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (By the way, Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I’m bringing the gift over later.)
And, to be sure, being a stepdad is in some ways the same as being a dad. So I do have a model. But there are some real differences, and that’s why I say there’s not really a blueprint of how to do it.
For one, you have to remember that you’re not the dad. There is a dad, and he’s the most important guy in your stepkids’ lives. And your job is, in part, to support him as the dad. That can be complicated, since presumably he got divorced from your wife, and, well, there are probably issues as a result. You have to support your wife — your stepkids’ mom — first and foremost, and that can mean walking a tightrope. There’s no sense chesting-up or challenging the dad, since you will always lose, and the kids will be the real victim.
(If you’re wondering, my wife Angie has always made it entirely about the kids, so she and I and her ex-husband all work really well together. Salute to both of them here.)
But that also doesn’t mean you’re just the stepkids’ pal, or some sort of passive observer. You can’t go around acting like a drill sergeant, but you can’t act like a clown or a teenager or a cipher, either. You are there to listen, to support, to provide advice when asked, and to provide love and care. You’re an adult. You’re part of the structure in their lives.
You have to also remain aware of boundaries. Telling your kids that you love them, hugging them, roughhousing, all that Dad stuff, can be simply too much with your stepkids.
It takes time, and it has to emerge on its own. They’ll know how you feel if you show them — by showing up, by listening, by being there, by standing by their mom. You’ll probably feel it in your gut.
Let me digress for a minute before I go much further by saying that I’m not claiming to be an expert. I sound as if I’m offering advice, but I’m really just trying to describe some of the complications. The point is to give some props to the guys who manage to do this all well.
I should also be very clear: It’s very, very rewarding, and in some ways easier than regular fatherhood. You get to go along for the ride, and if you’re lucky like me, you get to bask in the glory of their accomplishments and their affection. And meanwhile you don’t carry the burden of all the responsibility.
That burden falls largely on the mom, your wife, and, if she’s a stepmom, too, she’s got a ton on her back. I wrote about all that on Mother’s Day weekend, but let me say again, that’s the toughest gig there is.
Anyway, if you’re good at step-dadding, and I’m sure you are, you have to take your share of the responsibility very seriously. These stepkids of yours, they’re real people, and if you don’t walk that line carefully, you could make things quite a bit worse. If you do it well, you probably won’t get noticed much. That’s good; you’re not there to collect awards.
So, to all the guys out there walking that line successfully, I say: Have a good Father’s Day. You deserve it, too.
